The Diaries Of LordDagon, The Mysterium Xarxes?
by l0rdn1hilus
Summary: The Mysterium Xarxes Turnes out to be A Diary? See Oblivion through Mehrunes Dagon's....interesting....eyes. [WARNING!] COMPLETE INSANITY, RANDOMNESS, STUPIDITY AND NO TRACE OF A SERIOUS OBLIVION STORYLINE!
1. Chapter 1

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.

The Diaries of Mehrunes Dagon.

**Disclaimer; I don't Own TES: Oblivion. Bethesda And ZeniMax Do.**

**Turns out that the Mysterium Xarxes...the most evil book in Oblivion and Nirn, Is Actually A...Diary? Follow the chronicles of Mehrunes Dagon as he leads a rather...Surprising life for a lord of Oblivion.**

Chapter 1: "Back To...Work? I'm A GOD! For...God's...Sake...Oh Never Mind."

Dear Diary

Entry 1: 5F 324 At Sun's...Wait...THERE IS NO SUN IN OBLIVION! WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING? I AM GOING TO MARCH OVER TO AZURA AND GET HER TO FIX THE DAMNED !$!#!$! LIGHTING HERE!

Now that my horrific Incident of Celestial lighting is over...back to the...Hmmm...Never thought of a name for this diary yet...Oh, I KNOW!

I'll CALL IT...THE INCESSANT, RANDOM RAMBLINGS OF CHAOTIC...CHAOSITYYYYY...IS THAT EVEN A WORD? FRANKLY, WHO EVEN CARES? I'M A DAEDRIC PRINCE! I'LL JUST INVENT IT!

Chaosityyyyyy: Defined as the Chaotic state of something that is chaotically in chaos...

Nah, That name Stinks.

Or does it?

"Hey DAGON! YOUR DIARY STINKS!"

"GO SHOVE AN ORC IN YOUR EAR, MALACATH!"

"HA! BEAT YOU THERE, ALREADY DID THAT!"

"Er...That was a comeback, not something I WANTED YOU TO DO, DAMN IT!"

"Oh..."

"Now where did I put those ear Cleaners..."

Dumb Malacath...I swear...Someday I have got To Kick Boethiah For Spawning him.

Or It might spawn someone even more vile out the other end...

AAARRRRRGHHHHHHHH! MY MIND'S EYE!

"Where's THE SQUIGGLES MIND SOAP? WHERE IS IT DAMN IT!"

Aha! Found it!

Ahh...Squiggles Mind Soap...So...Calming.

Come to think of it...Who Did I borrow this from?

Oh, that's Right...Sanguine...

SANGUINE!

Oh...Shit.

(Hordes Of Mind Sucking Imps Appear out of Nowhere and attack Dagon viciously.)

C-R-A-P!

1 Hour later.

Reminder: NEVER borrow stuff from Sanguine AGAIN! BRAIN FLUID INJECTION HURTS! Especially when My Doctor Is Peryite...And he CONVENIENTLY RUNS OUT OF MORPHINE WHILE SAWING OPEN MY &!& SKULL! ALL THAT 'CAUSE I ACIDENTALLY MESSED UP HIS METICULOUSLY TIDY PLANES OF OBLIVION...Sheesh...I mean...He's Only the Daedric Prince Of Ordering The lower planes Of Oblivion...Its Not like it took him...millennia or Something like that...

Oh Wait...it Did.

Curses! WHY AM I ALWAYS WRONG? WHAT WENT WRONG MOMMY? WHERE DID I GO WRONGGGGGGGG!

As I was Saying...I think I'll rename this book: Mysterium Xarxes!

Yeah! That's It...After all...It means: "The Mystery Of Plush!" No one will ever think its some kind of Evil Tome...Fortelling some kind of Portent of Annihilation/Post-Apocalyptic Future...Then again...I might be wrong...But WHO CARES!

Oh Yeah! I'll EVEN WRITE IT IN BLOOD, THAT WAY IT'S EVEN MORE CUTE AND CUDDLY!

Now...All I need Is some blood...

Oh YEAH! DREMORA BLOOD!

YOU! RANDOM CHURL NO.14!

"Lord Dagon? Are you alright?"

"Of course I'm Alright! Please ignore the bloodshot look in my eyes and the incessant twitching of my left hands...Also! Ignore the blood draining Devices!"

"Lord Dagon? Do you need Therapy again?"

"OF COURSE NOT!"

2 Hours Later!

BLOOD INK! OH YEAH! THIS IS TOTAL OWNAGE! IT NEVER LIKE...SMEARS!

Only problem...it draws Flies! AND I HATE FLIES! You'd THINK ROTTING **DREMORA BLOOD **WOULD TURN THEM OFF!

NOT ATTRACT THE LITTLE BUGGERS!

WHERE'S THE DAMN BUG SPRAY...AHA! FOUND IT!

Wait...I'm NOT FALLING FOR THE SAME OLD TRICK AGAIN!

THIS TIME IT'S FROM SHEOGORATH!

"DIE FLIES! DIE DIE DIE!"

"Wait...This doesn't smell like Bug Spray...Smells Like...Essence of...WABBAJACK?"

"Uh-oh"

HORDES OF GIANT MISGUIDED FLIES!

Damn...This is Something I only:

1: Had a bad dream about In Band Camp.

2: WISH NEVER HAPPENED! ITS LIKE SOME FREAKING NIGHTMARE!

RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!

3 hours later (AFTER I MANAGED TO DE-WABBAJACK THE FLIES!)

After Cycling though: 1. A Lich 2. Orcs 3. A DRAGONITE! (DAMN I MISS THAT GAMEBOY! OBLIVION RIVERS ARE LIKE FILLED WITH, LIKE...LAVA! I THOUGHT THEY WERE FILLED WITH WATER! (Rivers, Duh!) OR AT LEAST SOME...Not-so-melty SUBSTANCE!) 4. LAWYERS! 5. Bretons 6. CARNIVOROUS LEECHES! And Finally! Flies! (again)

That was when I came to the Realization I Could Just Incinerate them...

I hate it when My Train Of Thought LAGS!

Anyways...TIME TO WORK! WORK WORK WORK!

Wait...I detest Work...

CRAPSTICKS AND CHOPSTICKS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

Oh, that's Right! I didn't take my medication.

TIME TO TAKE MY MEDICATION...LALALAAAAAA!

Now, Excuse me while I go off to Take my Ibuprofin, Daedra-Ply-Tri-Mono-Vi-(INSERT WICKEDLY LONG NAME ENDING IN A "Vi" "Ono" or "Ply" here.)-flor.

Ahh...The Bitter-Sweet Smell of Medicated Medication.

Now...TO WORK!

I Just HATE MY JOB!

Nothing SAYS "ETERNAL SLAVE" LIKE A JOB AS NIGHT SHIFT MANAGER OVER AT NOCTURNAL'S-I'M OPENING 24 HOURS JUST TO SPITE MEHRUNES DAGON-SUPERMART.

THE WORST PART IS...SHE CAN MAKE PERPETUAL NIGHT!

SO I WORK LIKE...24 MEGAHOURS!

Oh well, At least I still have my Sanity.

The Corned Beef In Aisle 2 and The Eggs In Aisle 4 seem to agree with me.

They make great conversationalists.

IF THAT'S NOT A SIGN OF SANITY THEN MAY AKATOSH DROP HIS WAYSHRINE ON ME!

Say...The Weatherman didn't predict today was gonna be cloudy.

Oh...Crap...That...Can't be...good.

**SPLAT!**

O...www...

Oh Well, No sense Putting off the Agony any longer.

AT THE SUPER-MART!

Night...Shift...Manager Reporting for Duty, Lady Nocturnal...

"Ah, Dagon, Just the Man I wanted to see."

"Now...How long shall I extend your Night-Shift."

"I'm feeling...Perky today! Just got this new Hood, It's all the rage in Nirn! Mara gave it to me! Whaddya think?"

"I'd Like To Stuff it into your uptight little..."

"What was that? NIGHT---manager?"

"Nothing...Nothing at all! I think it looks...rather...Fetching...on...you.

_OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A GOOD LIAR!_

"You're lying again, aren't you, Dagon?"

"_DAMN, HOW DOES SHE KNOW?"_

IT CANT BE THE FALSETTO VOICE, OR THE FACT THAT WHENEVER I LOOK HER IN THE EYE I LOOK DOWN, OR EVEN THAT I SMIRK AND GIGGLE WHEN SHE LOOKS AWAY, OR THAT I SEEM TO SWALLOW AND SWEAT WHENEVER I LIE!

Or...It could be all Of the above...

Regardless...My Night Shift Just Got extended for another...well...1234 Hours...

Time to go discuss current affairs with the Eggs..

For Now...

Toodles?

Medicine time...

Love, Dagey.


	2. Chapter 2

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.

The Diaries of Mehrunes Dagon.

**Disclaimer; I don't Own TES: Oblivion. Bethesda And ZeniMax Do.**

**Turns out that the Mysterium Xarxes...the most evil book in Oblivion and Nirn, Is Actually A...Diary? Follow the chronicles of Mehrunes Dagon as he leads a rather...Surprising life for a lord of Oblivion.**

Chapter 2: The Annual Divine Barbeque.

D34R D14RY!

Why 4\/ 1 Wr1T1\G 1N 1337?

444444!

Anyways...

Entry 2: 4E 341 At...WHAT DO THEY CALL THAT...SHINY...ORB...THINGY IN THE SKY...DAMN, I DON'T KNOW! 

AZURAAAAAAA!

"Yes? Dagey?"

"Azura...Don't call me that In PUBLIC!"

"If Malacath Found out..."

"AZURA AND DAGON SITTING IN A OBLIVION TREE, K.I.S.S.I.N.G!"

"COME BACK HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE, MALACATH!"

"THE WHOLE REALM'S GONNA HEAR ABOUT THIS! AND I'VE GOT THE SUPER HI-DEF (OBVIOUSLY) EDITED PHOTOS AND SOUND CLIPS TO PROVE IT!"

Great...Flashback.

**FLASHBACK**

"MALACATH, GIMME THAT SIGIL STONE BACK, ITS MINE!"

"C'mon Dagey! CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!"

It would have gone all right if I HADN'T FALLEN INTO ONE OF THE STUPID OBLIVION WASTES!

DAMN...Sometimes immortality works against you...

STUPID LAVA BURNT OFF MY CLOTHES...

Clavicus Vile laughed so much he actually BROKE HIS SPLEEN! W.T.H...

Molag Bal and Mephala Laughed so much they HAD TO GET TREATED FOR IT! SINCE WHEN IS LAUGHTER A DISEASE? SINCE WHEN?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I HATE FLASHBACKS!

STUPID BRAIN! I'LL SHOW YOU!

-Slash-

Oh Great...I JUST REMEMBERED I NEED MY BRAIN TO...THINK...THINGS...

God I hate My Life...

**END FLASHBACK**

After I fixed the Brain...Problem...Thing...

HOLY GRANDMA ON A STICK!

AKATOSH REPLACED MY BRAIN! WITH SOME KIND OF SEMISENTIENT GOO HE FOUND ON HIS 44444444444-YEAR OLD DRAGON COLESLAW!

It actually works...THE ONLY PROBLEM BEING THAT I'M SOMEHOW ADDICTED TO COLESLAW AND SHOW-TOON RERUNS!

DAMN YOU! FOX™ KIDS! DAMN YOU!

Damn...Stupid Malacath.

"SINGING TELEGRAM FOR LORD DAGON!"

"You are hereby cordially invited to Clavicus Vile's Annual Divine Barbeque!"

"Well, here you go..."

HOW IS THAT A SINGING TELEGRAM! YOU...LIKE...BARELY SANG!

"I'm a frost Atronach, Lord Dagon, not a singer..."

"Now...About that tip..."

WHAT TIP? YOU DIDN'T EVEN SING!

"You want me to sing?...Ok...Fine...I warn you though...you won't like it."

"Lalalalalalalala...LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

MY EARS! ALL FOUR OF THEM! OH THE PAIN! THE PURE UNADULTERATED K-BOX AMATUER SINGING NIGHT PAIN!

"Told you"

"HERE, TAKE MY GOLD! JUST GO AWAY!"

"Errrr...Thanks?"

PHEW!

NOW! TO PONDER WHETHER TO ATTEND THE ANNUAL BARBEQUE...

Let's see...Last year's Barbeque host was...Molag Bal.

Now that was one great party...

IF YOU LIKE SOULS IN GRAVY, SOUL SOUFFLE, SOUL KEBABS, SOUL FLAMBÉ, SOUL ICE CREAM, SOUL ESCARGOT!

The Escargot was nice though...

I swear, that guy's hooked on souls.

And the year before that was...Talos...

Euughhh...Mortal Food...

It was actually alright...UNTIL I ATE THE CHICKEN!

TURNS OUT...I'M ALLERGIC TO CHICKEN? I MEAN, I'M A GOD...I SHOULDN'T HAVE ALLERGIES...

REGARDLESS...IT GAVE ME ONE BAD CASE OF...CONSTIPATION...

Once Peryite finds out...he's not gonna be happy...

Somewhere in A lower plane of Oblivion.

FINALLY! I FINISHED CLEANING TEHLOWER PLANES OF OBLIVION!

GO PERYITE, GO PERYITE...IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!

J00r D1RT A55 W45 PWNXX0RZZZZZ BY PERYITE!

Say...That Oddly Large Pile of...Droppings...Wasn't there before.

(Peryite's pupils shrank so fast it hurt...)

AHHH, MY EYES! I CAN'T SEE!

"SPLAT!"

DAGONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Back At My Place...

Ahh, what could go wrong.

Now...TO GET READY FOR THE PARTY!

BRING ME...DUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUMMMMMM:

MEHRUNES' RAZOR!

No, seriously, it's a razor...Like that shaving razor type...thing...that you put shaving cream on...and shave your beard with...

"Dagon, you don't even have a beard..."

TWO WORDS, HIRCINE.

"GO FETCH."

"Oh MY GOD, A STICK...MUST...FETCH!"

I swear, that Hircine spends too much time around those...animals...throw a stick and he runs after it like a...dog...did I spell that right? I think I did.

ANYWAYS, TIME TO SHAVE!

"Scrape, Scrape, Scrape...-Slash-."

OW! I'M BLEEDING!

Repeat process somewhere in the range of...10 times.

STUPID RAZOR! I'LL SHOW YOU.

I CAST THEE INTO THINE DUSTBIN OF ANNIHILATION!

Oh, wait, that was my Portal into the Mortal realm...

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh Well...

Now, FOR SOME CLOTHES!

Let's see...

Loincloth, Loincloth, Loincloth, Loincloth...Sigh...

I need to get out more...

At THE BARBEQUE!

"Dagon! You came...I thought the singing telegram would kill-----err, I mean...err...wouldn't...reach you! That's it! Yeah, let's go with that!"

Err...Clavi? You ok?

"Oh nothing...I'm fine..."

I brought you a gift!

"Oh...thanks..."

"BARBAS!"

"Take this outside, bury it in the deepest darkest, most forsaken pit you can find!"

"RUN LIKE THE WIND, BARBAS!"

Errr...Clavi? I'm right here...

"Oh...Now If you could go out back...everyone's there..."

In Clavicus' Vile's Backyard...

HELLO OBLIVION!

Somehow every year, that never seems to get old...

TIME TO MINGLE!

MINGLE MINGLE MINGLE!

Oooo...Daedric Princess at 10-O'-clock...

"Actually, Dagon...It's 11..."

Don't you have some infinite knowledge to go take care of , Hermy Mora?

"No...But I have A bleak future to scry at 4.00pm..."

"Something to do with You and Akatosh in some place called...Cyrodiil..."

"Oh Well..."

Anywaaaaayyyy...

Heyyyy...Mephala...I was thinking...

"Yes? Dagon?"

BOETHIAH!

You...AND HER?

WHYYYYY, WHYYYYYYYYYYY!

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!

**(ONE SUPER LONG SUPER OBSCENE STRING OF SWEAR WORDS THAT DON'T DESERVE TO EVEN BE WRITTEN HERE...)**

"Whoa...Dagon...I didn't know some of those words even existed..."

After Grief counseling and Heavy doses of those "Happy pills" In Clavi's Closet...

OOOOO...FOOD!

"DAGON! NO!"

Why, Clavi? The...Red Pasta's Great!

"YOU IDIOT! THOSE ARE XIVILAI ENTRAILS, CHICKEN ENTRAILS, AND MY GARBAGE!"

They tasted quite nice...

BLARRGH...Not Feeling so well...

TO THE LOWER PLANES OF OBLIVION!

"NOT AGAIN! GET YOUR CANDY-ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, DAGON! PERYITE COMMANDS!"

Hugs and Kisses

ONE CONSTIPATED DAEDRIC PRINCE...

Love...Dagey v2.0...


End file.
